The Perfect Dress

God i'm so stupid. I really thought it was going to happen. I bought that stupid dress. I thought i had the perfect date, the perfect group, the perfect dance for my last year. But one by one everything fell through. No date, no group, but still that stupid perfect dress. But it's fine because i never really wanted to go right. No big deal, because i don't even care. Now its just me and that stupid dress staring me down every day, mocking me, telling me that this is your fault you dug your own whole girl you better be ready to sit in it. So, do you have and Ben and Jerry's i think i'll be here for awhile.

Do you think people really can change?

Will i always be that girl...

Who will always think she is ugly

Who is envious of her best friends

Who refuses to let go

Who's never known true happiness

Who will never feel good enough

Who wakes up in the morning hoping to look like someone else

Who will never please her mother

Who fears rejection

Who fears commitment

Who will never fall in love

Who will always be wishing for something more

Who has no true sense of self

Maybe this is who i am supposed to be. Maybe i should just stop trying to change that person and accept that girl that i am. Even with the flaws. Because when you stop trying to change yourself you come to true understanding.*

Trains and Sewing Machines

So i don't get it. I was visiting a my friend vicki today who is always so full of secrets. But as i was purchasing this, what i thought was, adorable under garments i thought to myself. Women put in so much effort in what they look like under their clothes when all the guys shes with just want her to get out of them. But then i thought to myself, what if there is a guy who appreciates the time, thought, energy and money you put into looking damn sexy in the bedroom to an extent that he doesnt rush into getting your "secrets" off. Is it true masculinity to be a man of waiting? I think so, i just have been waiting so long to find it. Ah vicki again you have boggled my brain.

Reality T.V.

So i may be wrong in assuming that everyone out in the inter-web shares my passion and almost utter obsession with Gilmore Girls, so if you are unfamiliar i will get you up to speed. Now the main characters on the show are a mother and daughter duo unlike no other. The young mother, Loralie, who had daughter Rori at age 16, has an inseparable bond with her only daughter. They are more like best friends. However in the world of reality this is not the case. Maybe it is because my mother and i have more than a 16 year age gap, or maybe it is that my mother is not done being Susie high school. So as the winter formal, valentine's day, sweetheart dance is nearing my mother has her game face on. She has been asking me which joey jock or Marty McPopular i am going to ask since before the new year. I procrastinated, because well its what i do best, until what i thought was a legit amount of time pre-dance...3 weeks! But no my date had already been snagged up. I suppose that is my dear friend karma again. Oh well se la ve! Not for barb! (my mother) WHAT?! Already asked?! well i told you this would happen...yada yada yada...guilt trip ect. Then barb proceeds to mention formal plans for the dance, how big the group is, places to eat, after party arrangements. I have zero answers for all of those questions which pushes barb into a frenzy. What do you mean you don't know your plans? If you are going to be sno-court queen you have to be in the best group the best party the best everything!!! Hold the phone...sno-court queen?! Who said anything about that? So apparently i am nothing if i am not the sno-court queen and my senior year as we know it is just worthless without that ridiculous tiara. When did it become her concern how i achieve my happiness. I struggle with many things in life and this pursuit of happiness is one of them, yet recently i have been more than content and even HAPPY with life. However that life is not one that barb finds suiting. I am not "that girl" who everyone adores and all the guys want to "get with" however i am me and i think that, even at the expense of disappointing my mother, is of utmost importance. Maybe Loralie and Rori's relationship is fiction for a reason, maybe that mother daughter bond doesn't exist, well at least not yet...so here's hoping!

Sick as a dog

Is there such thing as too much NyQuil?....if so i should probably be warned immediately because i have been walking around with the bottle sipping it from my crazy straw!

It's all just a little bit of history repeating...

Home sweet high school. A place of scheduled classes, restricted behavior, and a place where everyone knows your name* (not to mention everything else about you) So as a soon to be graduating senior of secondary school i have come to peace that some of these people i may never see again. In some ways that is quite sad. Some of these people have had such a positive influence on my life and are truly great friends. Others however have made life somewhat unbearable. Made high school a place to dread, knowing that you would see his or her face every day just mocking you in between science and study hall. College seemed a place to escape "those people" of high school. A place of new beginnings, new friendships, and new prospects. So then why is that my past seems to inevitably be in my future. That a certain McDreamy i know, and love/hate/dread/miss/ignore/need seems to be a large part of my new life as well as my own. It certainly does seem that history repeats itself. For the good and for the bad, or just for a reason unknown.
*No that was not a cutsie Cheers reference

I like to eat the popcorn

So happy new year to all, and with a new year comes a new you. not entirely but most of us take part in the new years tradition of setting resolutions. now i did have a resolution, a quite solid and manageable one at that. my resolution was to take more pictures because you see i like to have pictures, and i even like to be in pictures, i just don't like the awkward process of the taking of the pictures. you know "hey pardon this completely normal conversation you two are having, can i bother you for a photo-op to treasure this moment of complete embarrassment?" but i have realize that perhaps i need a new resolution, one of more substance and more character. one that is, not less attainable but rather more worthwhile, like the resolution of a certain muffin i know. you see i don't do "relationships" i don't exactly see myself as a commitment person and i often times stir myself away for what could be potentially dating-esque situations. don't get me wrong i am ridiculously romantic i just don't partake in the romancing myself. rather i live vicariously through the romance of such couples as Heidi Klum and Seal, Hugh grant and Sandra bullock in two weeks notice*, and even Lindsey Lohan and her flavor of the week. i feel it much easier to bask in the romance of others than go out and find a romance of my own. to me that is unattainable and i would much rather just eat the popcorn if you know what i mean.
*seriously underrated film that i could watch ALL DAY! love it!